Thursday, October 4, 2012

Finding Me

we are beings, not doings

Since my last post,  I've been on a soul-searching trek to find my authentic self. It's not that I haven't been true to myself. I had been turning away from my authentic self by not making time for myself, which is easy to do as a new mother. I found that with the little free time I had I would use it to rattle off into totally new adventures and new hobbies. It was fun. I spent much of my summer doing this. But in the end, the fun was short lived because I wasn't stepping into the place that really mattered. I wasn't living my life chasing after what I felt in heart was my life purpose.

My life passion is to write. I write novels, non-fiction, and blogs.  I didn't consider that all the small little adventures I was having along the way would cost me the time to work at my life purpose and passion. By the start of this month, I realized I lost connection to my current WIP (Work in Progess-a novel set in Paris). The lost connection that I had made me believe that maybe I was wrong about my life purpose. Maybe I wasn't a writer. Maybe the novel was a terrible idea to complete. And so on played out all of these destructive inner dialogues about how I wasn't good enough.
the tide will turn

Suddenly, my curiosities, hobbies, and random things I had picked up along the way got to the point that I was literally shut-out of my writing studio. There was clutter everywhere. I had no space in my studio to think, do, or act. I moved my writing down to the kitchen studio and ignored what was happening in my writing studio.


Then I got to the point where I felt lost in the woods. A series of seemingly random things happened to help jog my consciousness that on a deeper level that I was hiding from my life passion. There were things that jolted my realization. The opening of the movie, Limitless, jolted me awake. Bradley Cooper portrays an aspiring writer, lost in clutter, lost in direction until he takes a mysterious pill that gives him the full capacity of his brain.


I have put off organizing my writing studio since our home finished up renovations in August. In August, I had family visit for three weeks so I didn't have time to work on it. They left. I got back to writing but still felt lost. Life always has a method to its madness. I was constantly getting little messages that I needed to get back to my life purpose and the writing. I took a yoga class at Power Yoga Canada and one of the teachers said that there is no power in hesitation. That jolted me hard. After that same class, I used a changing room with a quote by Bob Dylan that said, "All I can do is be me. Whoever that is."

"All I can do is be me. Whoever that is." Bob Dylan

It was like a truck was driving over my conscious sensibility. I had to be authentic. I had to be willing to fail and take creative risks. I had to be inventive and make choices in the moment-not later after reading other people's advice. Now is the hour. Now is the moment. And when I made this switch in my brain. A path opened up before me. I got clear. I wasn't as frightened to take the journey and own it and realize that it was going to be my life and I would love it through all the struggle.

French forest near Annecy Parcours d'assault à côté d'Annecy

You could say that my well of creativity, strength, and hope was refilled. I wasn't lost. I just had to make a choice and step in that direction. Every day is a small step of progress. Every day I have opportunity to believe that chasing my life purpose will bring out deeper things for me to understand and feel. Life isn't just about success. It's about the process. The memories you make. The people you love. The way that when you shine in the light by being your authentic self, that gives other people the inspiration to reveal their authentic light too. And that could only make the world a better place. Now that I got that off my heart, it's time for me to go and clean my studio.

Izziyana Suhaimi

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